Introduction

In order to get the jokes in the following essay, it will be helpful to have some background on Quakers, also known as The Religious Society of Friends. As Friends, we speak of that of God in all humans, rather than of salvation only through Jesus. A 20^th century Quaker song goes:

There’s a light that is shining in the Turk and the Jew
There’s a light that is shining friend in me and in you

Old-school Friends practice unprogrammed worship, without a preacher at the head of the hall; we call ourselves Unprogrammed Friends, to distinguish ourselves from Programmed Friends, who do have preachers.

Unprogrammed Friends call their services Meeting for Worship. We sit in silence, and if anyone in the group is spiritually moved to deliver a message, then they speak out of the silence. We consider it inappropriate to recite prepared statements or to comment on another person’s ministry. We consider it better to speak later, rather than sooner, so that our messages may season and mature. We consider it good practice to keep our messages brief and to allow ample time between messages. When many people speak in rapid succession, we call it a popcorn meeting.

Unprogrammed Friends do not make a distinction between clergy and laity; everyone in the congregation is a minister. This means we can visit people in prison even when the authorities deny visits from family and personal friends. People who lock up political dissidents wish we did not have this privilege.

Once a month, each congregation of Unprogrammed Friends has Meeting for Worship for the Purpose of Conducting Business, where group decisions are made. We seek unity in all group decisions, and one person in a group of thousands can delay our arrival at a decision.

Quaker doctrine states that there can be no appropriate occasion for the use of violence. Most Quaker parents forbid their children to watch militaristic cartoons like GI Joe. However, fewer Quaker parents have the discernment to realize that Tom and Jerry are also undesirable role models. Some heretical Friends believe that limited amounts of violence can be justified in the pursuit of self-defense. The author of the following essay is one of those heretical Friends.

A Sustainable Alternative to Non-Violence

The Shaolin Buddhists of China have developed a vast body of martial arts techniques based on the movements of animal species including birds, insects, mammals, and reptiles. I propose that Quakers and Shaolin Buddhists form an Interfaith Council on Realization of the Spirit through Hand-to-Hand Combat.

Uncompromising pacifists could benefit from lessons on how to duck, provided they do not morally object to ducking. Pacifists who are okay with being passive-aggressive could learn how to make an attacker lose their balance and fall down. For the rest of us, would anyone else like to have Meeting for Worship for the Purpose of Sparring with Big Sticks? We could minimize the risk of blunt trauma by using bamboo instead of solid oak. In addition, if we all hold each other in the light, any sports injuries we do get will heal quickly.

Back in elementary school, when word got out that I could not be provoked into fighting, my social status plummeted. I was a former two-term class president, elected on a platform of anarchy and classroom disruption, but my refusal to fight made me a scapegoat. I became a daily victim of mob violence.

However, under the good-humored tutelage of a profoundly dismayed Anglican/Pagan girlfriend (and with positive reinforcement from my girlfriend’s favorite sparring partner) I became open to alternatives to non-violence. After my change in attitude, aficionados of non-consensual recreational violence simply stopped noticing me. Since then, I have had a few run-ins with muggers, but those people were looking for financial gain, rather than entertainment. Then there was the time someone punched me in the face because I was looking for a fight. The first time he hit me I thought it was funny, because I knew I was being a jerk, but the second time he hit me I was not amused.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “But I say unto you, do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also.” (Matthew 5:39, NRSV) On the other hand, Moses said, “But this is how you must deal with them: break down their altars, smash their pillars, hew down their sacred poles, and burn their idols with fire.” (Deuteronomy 7:5, NRSV) Quakers have a history of synthesizing new ideas from differing opinions. I suggest we pursue the middle ground when dealing with people who try to hit us.

This middle ground has been well explored by Chinese Buddhists of many sects. I have had a lot of contact with Chinese immigrants, and the conversations I have shared with them have brought the same kind of satisfaction that I get from conversations with my fellow Quakers. In the Chinese tradition, the most powerful healers are also accomplished martial artists. Quakers could learn a lot from this school of thought. Therefore, I once again propose that we dialogue with Shaolin Buddhists, and form an Interfaith Council on Realization of the Spirit through Hand-to-Hand Combat.